gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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