Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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