And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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