I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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