is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
