we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
