It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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