i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.