my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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