I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
