i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
