The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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