I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just sent this text using only my big toe
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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