I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
