He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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