i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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