since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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