She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
