I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
