ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
