i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
