Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
