I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We got so high we made milksteak
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
