If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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