Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
