Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
