So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
