The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Alive.
So much puke
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
