around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
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French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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