Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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