is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you bring me the toilet please
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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