Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
