im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My liver just had a heart attack.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
