oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
