dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
