I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
