Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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