worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
