a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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