shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
