The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
