He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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