highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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