FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
