i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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