I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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