Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
