My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
