i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
