it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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