Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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