Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?