You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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