Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
