I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
