I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
