I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
