Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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